HELPING YOURSELF HEAL
Allow Yourself to Mourn
Someone
you love has died. You are now faced with the difficult, but important,
need to mourn. Mourning is the open expression of your thoughts
and feelings regarding the death and the person who has died. It is an
essential part of healing. You are beginning a journey that is often
frightening, painful, overwhelming and sometimes lonely. This brochure
provides practical suggestions to help you move toward healing in your
personal grief experience.
Realize Your Grief is Unique
Your
grief is unique. No one will grim in exactly the same way. Your
experience will be influenced by a variety of factors: the relationship
you had with the person who died; the circumstances surrounding the
death; your emotional support system and your cultural and religious
background.
As a result of these factors, you will grieve in your
own special way. Don't try to compare your experience with that of
other people or to adopt assumptions about just how long your grief
should last. Consider taking a "one- day-at-a-time" approach that
allows you to grieve at your own pace.
Talk About Your Grief
Express
your grief openly. By sharing your grief outside yourself, healing
occurs. Ignoring your grief won't make it go away; talking about it
often makes you feet better. Allow yourself to speak from your heart,
not just your head. Doing so doesn't mean you are losing control, or
going "crazy". It is a normal part of your grief journey. Find caring
friends and relatives who will listen without judging. Seek out those
persons who will 'Walk with,"not in front of" or "behind" you in your
journey through grief. Avoid persons who are critical or who try to
steal your grief from you. They may tell you, "keep your chin up" or
"carry on" or "be happy." While these comments may be well intended,
you do not have to accept them. You have a right to express your
grief; no one has the right to take it away.
Expect to Feel a Multitude of Emotions
Experiencing
a loss affects your head, heart and spirit. So you may experience
a variety of emotions as part of your grief work. Confusion,
disorganization, fear, guilt, relief or explosive emotions are just a
few of the emotions you may feel. Sometimes these emotions will follow
each other within a short period of time. Or they may occur
simultaneously.
As strange as some of these emotions may seem, they
are normal and healthy. Allow yourself to learn from these feelings.
And don't be surprised if out of nowhere you suddenly experience surges
of grief, even at the most unexpected times. These grief attacks can be
frightening and leave you feeling overwhelmed. They are, however, a
natural response to the death of someone loved. Find someone who
understands your feelings and will allow you to talk about them.
Allow for, Numbness
Feeling
dazed or numb when someone loved dies is often part of your early grief
experience. This numbness serves a valuable purpose: it gives your
emotions time to catch up with what your mind has told you. This
feeling helps create insulation from the reality of the death until you
are more able to tolerate what you don't want to believe.
Be Tolerant of Your Physical and Emotional Limits
Your
feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you fatigued. Your
ability to think clearly and make decisions may be impaired. And your
low energy level may naturally slow you down. Respect what your body
and mind are telling you. Nurture yourself. Get daily rest. Eat
balanced meals. Lighten your schedule as much as possible. Caring
for yourself doesn't mean feeling sorry for yourself; it means you are
using survival skills.
Develop a Support System
Reaching
out to others and accepting support is often difficult, particularly
when you hurt so much. But the most compassionate self-action you can
do at this difficult time is to find a support system of caring friends
and relatives who will provide the understanding you need. Find those
people who encourage you to be yourself and acknowledge your feelings -
both happy and sad.
Make Use of Ritual
The
funeral ritual does more than acknowledge the death of someone loved.
It helps provide you with the support of caring people. Most
importantly, the funeral is a way for you to express your grief outside
yourself. If you eliminate this ritual, you often set yourself up to
repress your feelings and you cheat everyone who cares for a chance to
pay tribute to someone who was, and always will be, loved.
Embrace Your Spirituality
If
faith is part of your life; express it in ways that seem appropriate to
you. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your
religious beliefs. If you are angry with God because of the death
of someone you loved, realize this feeling as a normal part of your
grief work. Find someone to talk with who won't be critical of whatever
thoughts and feelings you need to explore.
You may hear someone say,
"With faith, you don't need to grieve." Don't believe it. Having your
personal faith does not insulate you from needing to talk out and
explore your thoughts and feelings. To deny your grief is to invite
problems that build up inside you. Express your faith, but express your
grief as well.
Allow a Search for Meaning
You
may find yourself asking. "Why did he die?" "Why this way?"
"Why now?" This search for meaning is another normal part of the
healing process. Some questions have answers. Some do
not. Actually, the healing occurs in the opportunity to pose the
questions, not necessarily in answering them. Find a supportive
friend who will listen responsively as you search for meaning.
Treasure Your Memories
Memories
are one of the best legacies that exist after someone loved dies.
Treasure them. Share them with your family and friends.
Recognize that your memories may make you laugh or cry. In either
case, they are a lasting part of the relationship that you had with a
very special person in your life.
Move Toward Your Grief and Heal
The
capacity to love require the necessity to grieve when someone you love
dies. You can't heal unless you openly express your grief.
Denying your grief will only make it become more confusing and
overwhelming. Embrace your grief and heal.
Reconciling your
grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a process, not
an event. Be patient and tolerant with yourself. Never
forget that the death of someone loved changes your life forever.
It's not that you won't be happy again. It's simply that you will
never be exactly the same as you were before the death.
"The
experience of grief is powerful. So, too, is your ability to help
yourself heal. In doing the work of grieving, you are moving
toward a renewed sense of meaning and purpose in you life."
Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt Center for loss and life transition
|